ASM Daily

And if I did tonight…

Would you call me?
Would you stop me?
Would you join me?
Would you try to talk me down?
Would you hold me?
Understand me?
Make it possible for mr to  ? To.„ ..,
Share what you’ve got Courage is key. Find some courage and open the door that is all.

Need I say more?

I slept through both alarms this morning, integrating them into my dreams, literally having a dream and inside that dream I thought I was dreaming that my alarms were going off.  It was like one of those episodes of Star Trek, The Next Generation, where Riker was in a screwed up universe inside another screwed up universe, trapped.  I did get up though, threw my clothes on, skipped brushing my teeth (brought my tooth brush in to work), and am now here working, working, working.

I am awake now—mostly.  In a bit I need to head down to Napa auto parts to pick up an adapter for my truck.  I’m in the process of purchasing a trailer from a friend of my partner and it’s the one I’ve been looking for for a year.  Going to go camping this weekend so I’m looking forward to having it to put my gear in instead of cramming everything in the back of the Jeep (which won’t be nearly as easy given I’ll have two companions, 1 human + 1 canine).  Oh yeah, and I need to pick up a couple fishing licenses in case we decide to go out fishing too!  Gonna be chilly but at least it should be dry and I’m just looking forward to being out there in my tent, sitting by a nice, warm fire, reading, writing, enjoying the fresh air, throwing the past into the fire, starting anew, and enjoying my steak (I always cook up a steak when I go camping).  Hmmmm…  Maybe I should get an MRE for one of the days.  Chicken pot pie!  lol  We’ll see if I have time to head down to the Army Surplus and pick one or two up.

The next three days will be pretty tight.  Today it’s Napa, licenses, work, home, motorcycle over to Saint Johns and pick up my beau, return home, swap the bike for the Jeep, head to Hillsboro to pick up the trailer, return home, swap the Jeep for the bike, grab a bite to eat, head back to Saint Johns, head home, sleep, wake, work, work, work, head to—oh no, I forget, must remember!!!—work, work, work, home, work, head to Hillsboro to work overnight at the homeless shelter, sleep, get up at the ass crack of dawn, get everyone on their way, head home, grab the gear, pack the truck, head out to pick up my buddies, then out to the forest for several days of nature!  In there somewhere I must pack, pack, pack, get groceries, pick up firewood, and a few other things.  Bugger!

This will be a very different experience, a very different weekend.  For one thing, I haven’t camped with company for quite some time.  Indeed, one of the reasons I started camping this summer was to remind myself that I could still enjoy things on my own if I must and so I went out three or four times and while I suffered great moments of loneliness I also benefited from the joys of the trees, streams, back roads, rock quarries, and strategically placed out houses!  For another I haven’t been to this neck of the woods since I was physically assaulted.  So I expect it to be a very healing experience for me; a simply beautiful one.

Yesterday on my way home I was thinking how it doesn’t matter how far I’ve come, I’ve always got that much further to go.  I used to have this idea that I’d somehow hit a pinnacle of “perfection” and I could lay back comfortably but that’s so far from the truth.  I’m always growing.  I’m always finding areas of myself that could stand improvement and even those that don’t require regular washing and waxing to shine in the sun.  So yeah, going out into the forest is never as simple (for me) as jumping in a truck, driving, and pitching a tent, there’s always considerably more involved on emotional, physical, psychological, and spiritual levels.  

I’ve also reached a place in my growth where I don’t know what to expect in terms of my personal journey.  For most of my life it was the exact opposite.  If given a situation I knew how I’d feel, think, how I’d react.  Give me a hypothetical in a mathematical sort of way:  Suppose it is 10pm, I’m tired, and a telemarketer calls me.  I know I would be angry but polite, yet tell them that they were not welcome calling me and that it was a violation of federal law with a stiff monetary penalty.  Simple.  Another:  Assume my early child hood friend Teague sends me an e-mail saying she was thinking about me and wondering what I was doing.  Response:  I’d feel a quick sense of “Awe, that’s nice” followed by a stabbing pain in my gut, anger, irritation that she demonstrated no clue how she effected my life, and I’d probably spend days thinking and writing until a week or two later I had a response that would be straight but polite about the damage she’d done.  Always known myself, always known myself.

Something’s changed.

I don’t think it’s that I don’t know myself.  I think it’s more than I’m willing to “go with the flow”, so to speak, in a manner and to an extent that I’ve never done before.  So instead of saying to myself, “This is how Aslynn would react if Teague contacted me”, I say, “I will allow it to happen when it happens and how it happens.”  It is interesting too.  For much of my life I used to role play situations over and over in my head.  I did this because I was shy while I was young then socially anxious when I was older (to the point of being terrified by some social situations such as public speaking or talking with authority figures) so I’d practice, scripting my responses over and over in my head so I didn’t f*ck up and look like a complete idiot.  I suppose I was holding myself to too high of a standard because I was smart and talented so I felt I needed to be socially adept but knew I had a squeaky voice and had trouble articulating myself (and even stuttered if I was extremely nervous, especially if I was tired too)—also, since I didn’t have practice socializing much of my life my brain wasn’t wire to think and talk at the same time.  Input and output had to be done separately so as soon as I started talking my mind turned off and I’d find myself stumbling.  Perhaps (and this is a tangent) this is why many an adept socialite seems vaccuous; perhaps the brain is truly wired to focus it’s attention on input or output and not doing both at the same time well.

Oh, where was I?

So yeah, I know myself even better than ever before, but there’s this new found ability to let the future unfold as it will and respond to that future in a way congruent to the person I’m growing into.  Sometimes it’s unsettling but for the most part I feel more confident, resolved, and calm.  Of course it could also be that I have—well—a sixth sense when it comes to the future so there’s not a lot that surprises me (except those things I’m intentionally not looking for).  This also encourages me to simply let things unfold so I’m not constantly focused on the visions I experience.

So yeah (I say as I repeat myself), I am looking forward to this new step on my journey as an immortal being in this mortal body.  I’m looking forward to healing and being close to someone who cares about me while I do.  I’m looking forward to being treated well which my partner does (and will take me some time to get used to—though I will *never* take it for granted!!!).  I’m looking forward to sleeping in the cool, outside air.  I’m looking forward to walking the doggie (believe it or not!).  I’m looking forward to talking late into the midnight hours.  I’m looking forward to listening to Coast to Coast AM one of the nights.  I’m looking forward to making yummie meals and sipping tea and coffee.  I’m looking forward to hikes.  Doh, no quarried up there so no looking forward to that but with the trailer I may just have to take my recurve up and take some shots!  Too bad I can’t bring my kitties, after they got over the hugeness of being outside in a forest I’m sure they’d love climbing the trees! ;-)

Alright, that’s enough for today, gotta get an e-mail out, fuckus on a few things so I can run those errands in the list somewhere’s above.  I do hope you are well.

Namaste,

Aslynn

Like this if it drives you nuts when people from your past think of you but lack the chachas to say hi!

Feeling strange today. A little off but at the same time on. I think I’m adjusted to my new reality which is one where everyone in my life is treating me well, like I have worth. It is something I’ve been waiting—wanting—hoping for my entire life but when it got here, well, it’s certainly taking some adjustment. Not a lot of time for personal reflection at work but when I get home tonight I hope to do some deep meditation as I get back into sanding, prepping the wall for paint, and working on that quilting project. I suppose it’s like my dream of owning a sailing boat, going out on the ocean, there would be a time of adjustment as I got my sea legs but I’d be loving the beauty of it and the hard work the entire way and it wouldn’t matter if I were heading out to Hawaii, south America, or the Meditteranian (sp?) the journey itself would contain the joy unfolding one wave at a time.

I had the strangest ongoing dream this morning.  I was at Disneyland but it wasn’t Disneyland.  It was like huge rows of fields, open ceilingless store upon open ceilingless store, exotic animals, and Harry Potter themes.  It was the strangest thing, now that I think upon it in my waking state, but I thought little of it while I was there except this desire to explore, revisit sections, and as I did the dream evolved into various stories with themes so broad and wide I am hardly aware of what they were.

Sophie was in them, as were my parents, my sister and her husband, their children my beautiful twin nephew and niece.  I don’t recall much as they all went in and out; for the most part I explored on my own.  My mother came first and I wanted to take her to the Harry Potter area where there was a reproduction of the kitchen at Hogwarts and a huge recipe book you could look through.  She was reticent to come as she didn’t want to walk that far so took some convincing.  After I eventually convinced her I couldn’t find “Harry Potter Land” and felt rushed by her impatience.  My brother-in-law and sister were in the dream later shopping, shopping, shopping (not surprising!) while I looked around with the kids.  I offered to take them camping that afternoon and they said yes, but we needed to leave soon as it was getting late but no one was listening or getting their proverbial arses in gear (again, not a surprise).  My father was only in the dream a short time.  He and my mom were sitting on makeshift swings hanging from a large rock outcropping or tree.  I remember them talking to me incessantly about something and my dad started saying some truly offensive and mean spirited things to me so I screamed at him then woke up with a start. 

The nightmares as of late!  Oh, the challenges of deep emo-spiritual work! ;-)

I spent most of the dream exploring this strange, exotic land someone had put together.  I found a shop with all manner of Star Wars toys so I searched for something entirely new and fun.  There were stores with all manner of knickknacks.  There was, as mentioned before, the Harry Potter area which was, objectively speaking, extremely boring as it consisted of a long hall (again not roof) with pots and pans lining the walls, a huge cook book only Hagrid would own, wooden tables, chairs, and stools, and so on and so forth.  There were rows of fifty foot high shelves with all manner of animals and beasts upon them such as exotic chickens and dragons, cats and dogs, of the likes I have never seen before.  They were not in cages but seemed to sit or walk back and forth on their perches watching us all mill about.  For some reason I decided to pick out a chicken which was two to three times the size of a real chicken.  It had such an unusual look which I don’t now recall nor did it behave in the way a chicken normally might.  Finally in the distance the rows and rows of vegetable fields which, I was told by one of the administrators of this strange land, were used to cultivate enough food to feed all visitors.

I sit now wondering what it all means.  The dream lasted several hours.  There are many holes.  I recall feeling a sense that while I was interacting with the people in my life and they weren’t listening and to some extent they really weren’t demonstrating a great deal of interest in engaging me on a meaningful or equal level; I’d say this was helpful except it’s not news to me.  Otherwise I ponder, tying in the various story lines to the core and back out to myself, my life, the root chakra work I am engaged in, and the many challenges I find myself confronted with (or more accurately I am putting before myself to tackle and overcome!).

Last night’s meditation was a mixed blessing.  I felt as if half of me was centered and half of me was not.  This is greatly improved from weeks ago where I was regularly off balance.  My center was in regard to intent and my life path.  I know who I am, why I was put here, no problem, diggity dandy, and that focus is without question stronger and more clear than it has ever been.  On the other hand I found myself going from having an extremely busy day (and week) at work, enjoying the best Thai massage and energy work session I’ve ever had, and a good helping of sushi, to suddenly be thrust into the silence of free, unstructured time.  It overwhelmed that half of me triggering old fear after old fear.  I examined each as they sprung from the soil but did not pull them; weeds have a tendency to grow back if you’re not careful in your gardening.

Interesting note:  When in this state the right side of my body feels in balance while the left side does not, a most peculiar sensation that I know is highly related to my primary guide.

I’ve been allowing my fears to come and go like clouds floating in the sky—but like clouds they seem to go by so very slowly and I want to blow, blow, blow them the hell away sometimes!  And yet when I find myself doing they seem to disburse momentarily, the billowy white moving and flowing in all directions before suddenly sinking down to the earth and enveloping me.  I see the clouds or fears as something deeply rooted, blowing as my desire to ignore and/or push past them without giving each the proper respect it deserves, and then there is a third thing (isn’t there always?), a reaction, a conditioned behavioral response which, if I am to gaze even deeper into the storm, provides a sort of thermometer and barometer of the past, the present, and the future.

Facing your fears, I have found, is not always what we almost fantasize it to be when we get there.  It’s like that hike up Mt. Saint Helens where I had this mental idea of what it would be like then I got there and found myself climbing and climbing, hour after hour.  Had I known what a long and difficult climb was before me I probably never would have accepted the invitation.  Had I known the state of complete bodily pain I would be in for half a week after I most assuredly would not have.  And yet it was worth it, every moment, and now even with the “limitations” Fibromyalgia adds to my life I hope and plan to climb it again some day.

So here are some of my top fears followed briefly by explanations (as if I’m known for brevity!):

1.  Fear of Abandonment:

I typically describe this as, “I’ve never had someone not abandon me at some point or another,” but I realized yesterday afternoon that this is true of pretty much everyone, that what I’m describing is a little something else.  So what’s different?  I believe the answer to that question is that I’ve only walked away from a couple of friendships and relationships in this lifetime.  There are many reasons, which I won’t go into, but one comes down to that real pain of pains:  The Golden Rule.

I remember the first as if it were yesterday.  I was 22 or 23 living with room mates in Eugene up on a hill.  I was extremely depressed and suicidal.  I didn’t have any friends.  I’d lost the love of my life through an unfortunate miscommunication (something I only learned over a decade later).  Then this woman I’d had a huge crush on in the past showed up on my doorstep unannounced.  She started coming by regularly, randomly, showing extraordinary interest in me, hugging me, sometimes shoving her tongue down my throat.  I hadn’t been treated like this before and it felt wonderful to be the center of attention so I soaked it up—but at a price.  She often came by after drinking at a nearby bar and on one occasion pulled me into my bedroom, pushed me on the bed, started passionately kissing me, moving her hands all over me, then the moment I began to return that affection she stopped like a deer in the headlights, jumped to her feet, and rushed out of the apartment and the driveway without a backwards glance.  I tried talking with her but she’d change the subject or leave; it was either all “on” or all “off”.  She told me stories about all the guys she let fondle her when she wasn’t feeling good about herself.  I felt like the good guy friend, always there to lean on, to cry on, and a dildo to be pulled out of a drawer to be looked at briefly then thrown back in disgust.  It all came to a breaking point when she came to my house so drunk that she could barely walk and though I tried to get her keys she ripped them from me and raced out of the driveway.  After several weeks of this I sat her down on the back porch and smoked a pack of Camels while I cried and cried and cried, sharing how I felt about her, how worried I was about her, and so on, I said I couldn’t do it anymore, not if she really thought she could treat me so poorly.  Then I shocked myself by saying something I’d never said to anyone before:  “I deserve to be treated better so I won’t be your friend anymore.”

After that there were only a few other people I’ve done this with.  People really have to go the extra mile to loose my friendship, my love, my commitment, and few, in my experience, appreciate the rarity of such a gift.  Indeed, months ago during the drama that was my life at the time, a minister told me, “You won’t be there for this person all their life”—I was offended by the statement as my character, my honor and integrity, were being questioned by someone who didn’t really know me.

Anyways…so yeah, fear of abandonment.  It’s not fun and while I’m adept at being alone, living alone, filling my time with worthwhile endeavors, I also feel I’ve had my fill of it and want-need-pray for more for life.  The trick?  How to obtain that dream without allowing fear to motivate me (and I’m doing pretty good, surprisingly so, but it does peep it’s ugly head from time to time, especially when I’m alone for an extended period).

2.  Fear of Criticism

I’ve had enough criticism in my life.  I’ve been called enough names.  I’ve been spit on and punched for no reason other than I was too skinny or too smart or too quiet or too something or the teachers’ kid.  I’ve been in relationships with women who spent an inorbinant (sp?) amount of time critiquing my clothes, my speech, my hobbies, musical interests, even the things I’d do for them (ex:  buying them flowers, putting 80 hours into their master’s thesis, even saying, “I love you”!!!).  Yeah, I’ve experienced my share of bullshit criticism.

I do my very best not to call people names.  Even recently when I was treated with blatant bigotry I steered away from calling them a bigot to their face or behind their back; it’s not my way.  And when I slip and call someone a name, when I do put someone down, I want to be held accountable.  I don’t want to be slammed but just reminded, in a friendly sort of way, that I did it and would I be so kind to be more careful in the future?

I don’t mind being called names in a playful or sarcastic manner but when it comes to criticism of a personal sort I need a little extra tender loving care as there are some deep wounds, especially from years of friendships and relationships with people suffering from bi-polar and Borderline Person “Disorders”—and people demonstrating these characteristics can tend to be extraordinarily critical (which also triggers the fear of abandonment for obvious reasons—talk about double suck!).  So yeah, I know I’m not perfect, I know I screw up, and sometimes I know I’m going to say or do things that rub people the wrong way because people are people and have their own personal boundaries, their own scars, and sometimes they’ll need to express those to me in order for the friendship or relationship to grow in a (hopefully) healthy, mature, and mutually beneficial fashion.

It will take some time but I hope to some day not feel as if I’ve been stabbed in the gut when someone I’m close to criticizes me (whether it’s playful or not, serious or not).  Sure, I don’t hang onto it as long as I used to, I’m often able to let it go in a matter of seconds, but I hope to some day not have the experience at all then say to myself, “Woah, what happened there?” 

One day at a time.

3. Fear of Double Standards

One of my pet peeves are double standards.  It drives me nuts when someone tells me I should behave in a certain way but doesn’t themselves.  Maybe it’s because I live in a very spiritual world where such behavior doesn’t exist (it by definition can’t, at least in my opinion); I can’t say I really know the underlying reason, only that it can really piss me off.

The most general and common example is that most people want to be treated with respect.  Each person has a different idea what that means, though, and it is, in my humble opinion, most important what the individual believes about being treated respectfully not what I believe about treating them that way and visa-versa.  What happens, I’ve found, is person A says I want to be treated in a certain way so I do.  Then I say I want to be treated in a certain way—but they don’t.  In fact some people have gone as far as to take what I say I don’t want (such as being called names) and doing it more and more often, as if to either make a point or hurt me more or get at me for some perceived wrong.  It’s infuriating.

A more concrete example occurred with someone I met this year.  They had a very specific way they wanted to be treated.  They wanted to me to be clear about everything.  They wanted to be spoken of with affection and they wanted me to tell them how wonderful they were and so on and so forth. What did I get in return?  I got called names!  When I brought this up and said I deserved an apology or we needed to go our separate ways they acted completely innocent, even dumbfounded, even though there was a paper trail showing their hypocrisy.  It was only days later that I receive a letter that said, “I’m sorry.  I’m heading through town this weekend.  Can I crash at your place?”  I said yes and my friendship and hospitality was taken for yet another ride around double-standard lane.

So yeah, not a big fan of it.  But what I’ve realized is that sometimes I can be hypersensitive to the point that I need to choose my battles.  Some “hypocrisy” is so minor that it should simply be ignored or categorized as simple things that every human being does from time to time.  Other types, such as someone who regularly criticizes my parenting style but flips their top when I politely tell them I feel embarrassed when their child throws a huge tantrum in a restaurant (and they do nothing about it), those types deserve my focus.  Regardless of whether or not they receive attention, though, I want to get to a point where my mind isn’t spinning out of control with the perception that I’ve been intentionally treated in a horrible and hurtful way.

4.  Fear of Failing

I have a deep fear of failing, not at business or my hobbies, but fearing of failing those I love.  I also sometimes, especially early on in a friendship and relationship, have fears that I’m sometimes not enough. 

The first is personal.  I care deeply and sincerely about everyone I choose to have in my life.  I want to be there for them, I want to encourage them, to empower them, support and love them in the truest and purest of ways.  This is one of the most important things in the world to me; it is part of my life path.  When I fail I feel that I’ve not only failed the other person but my own sense of meaning comes into question and that hits close to home, spiritually speaking. 

I’ll never be perfect when it comes to loving people perfectly.  It’s not exactly an easy vocational choice.  It’s not easy to love imperfect people.  It’s not easy for an imperfect person to love unconditionally.  And yet it is a worthwhile endeavor.  Fear just gets in the way.

Of the two types of fears of failing the latter is the more destructive.  It’s the fear that I’m not attractive enough, not happy enough, not smiley enough, not creative enough, not outgoing enough, not social enough, or what have you.  It’s the result of a lifetime of put downs, of attracting and choosing to remain around people who I allow to put me down because I’ve been afraid of being abandoned again and again.  It’s not enough to know where all these fears came from, what ripped my heart and soul apart leaving deep wounds that have been hastily stitched together (and it seems there’s never enough time to heal before someone else comes along and rips the stitches out of my skin).

I spent most of my twenties digging into the depths of my subconscious until I had a deep knowledge of every nook and cranny—yet I continued to dig.  Now things at that level come to me fairly quickly, if taking any time at all.  I’ve recognized the next stage is to actively do something about it, to be proactive about my healing process.  I need to metaphorically put on band aids or casts, let the skin and bone heal, keep those parts of myself safe and away from potential hazards, and so on and so forth.

Those are, for now, a few fears.  Interesting, there’s a part of me that fears sharing them now.  That’s a new fear and I know where it comes from.  Thanks UUNNETC!  And there are many more:  thanks world!

Ah, life in a human body is such an “interesting” thing.

For now I’m going to take a step back in regard to describing the work I’m doing on each of these.  What I will do is share today’s challenge:

Ways you can help me with my…

…fear of abandonment:  a.  Reassure me with kind words from time to time such as, “I love you in my life,” “I’m glad we met,” or “I’m excited to see hour our friendship grows!”,  b. If you need to leave during an argument or what not do so in a thoughtful and verbally calm manner saying why and that you care and will be back, c.  Show, don’t tell, that you’re interested in doing the work necessary to build a deep-meaningful friendship/relationship.

…fear of criticism:  a.  Don’t call me names, b.  If you need to bring something up do so as thoughtfully as possible in a calm, caring fashion such as by saying, “I really love you but it bothered me when you did X and here’s why.  Would you mind doing Y in the future?”, c.  Be ready to forgive me for being imperfect!, d.  Love me anyway and say so!

…fear of double standards:  a.  If I do bring it up stop and listen; the fact that I do means it’s real for me and worth conversation, b.  Apologize even if you don’t think there is one; you don’t need to apologize for the double standard if you don’t feel there is one, but for your part in the way I feel (it does take two to tango), or c. Apologize if you believe there’s a double standard recognize it and say how you plan to work on leveling the playing field.

…fear of failing:  a.  Acknowledge that you know I’m not perfect but you care about me anyway, b.  Acknowledge you’re not perfect and am thankful that I care about you anyway, c. Remind me, especially when I don’t live up to your expectations, that that’s not as important as who I am and how important the friendship/relationship is to you.

Most importantly reassure me.  I haven’t had a lot during my life and Lord do I just need to sometimes hear something as simple as, “It’s going to be okay,” or, “We’ll get through this,” or “I’m here for you when you need me.”  True, most people need that from time to time, it’s just the one gift I’d want sprinkled here and there just to remind me and get me to that place where I don’t need to hear it anymore, where it’s just nice to.

I realize this may be asking a lot, but I write it to be clear to those who love me saying, “This is what you can do.”  Ultimately while I have to do the real work these simple things will help me heal faster until that point where I’m healed completely, fully, and can smile upon the world with complete confidence even in the worst hurricane.

And tell me what I can do for you!  I’d be breaking #3 if it weren’t important for me to maintain a well balanced connection and that’s what I want with everyone in my life friend, family member, lover, or even just your average Joe on the street.

Cheers,

Aslynn

P.S.  To publish or not to publish.  Jesus H! what’s gotten into me this entry?

Keep on keep’n on! It’s just a small wave! The tide will pull back soon!

This morning I’m hopping on one foot!

But for the first time in a long time I feel centered and on the rails!!! Woohoo and it’s windy too! Bugaboo! :)

Got to a late start today after finally getting the first nights decent sleep in a week or so. Downside I got in late and got hammered (well, not really hammered so much) and I have a lot to take care of. Plus side is obvious.

Last night I performed my first bedtime ritual which will be a nightly thing going forward. Between that and chatting with me new mate on the telephone for an hour the day ended on a positive note and started on a positive with Katie purr-box kitten on my chest nuzzling my nose from time to time.

Had a most incredible and unexpected weekend. Made a new friend, had a good session with my teacher, and with the exception of a little fatigue I feel ready for the week. Listen to your guides, they can sometimes feel like they’re pestering but they’ll lead you where you need to go!

Another day begins in earnest and I, oh so busy, the other furnished exe files to be on their way to customers with large sums of moola do pay.